I almost started packing up the house the other day.
We had just agreed to present our adoption profile to a couple, and after we read about them and their reason for choosing adoption I just fell in love with these two and their unborn child. I really hoped that we'd be the ones they'd choose as the adoptive family. Like, reallllly. I was so hopeful that I kept having this pressing need to start packing up the house, because if they were to choose us we'd be out of here within a day or two (she had given birth two days prior to all of this). I sent a message to some missionary friends joking that I felt like one of those "claim God's promises" people with this near obsession to get the house ready to go -- as if packing things away would make God say, "Hmm, yep, she's serious about wanting this. Guess I need to give them that baby, then."
Well, I didn't pack up the house. I did a few extra loads of laundry and chipped away at the dirty dishes, but I just let my hopefulness be what it was; knowing that my heart was way out there, and knowing that by hoping so much I was setting myself up to have it crushed if they didn't choose us.
They didn't choose us. And yeah, my heart was good and crushed. I'm crying even as I type, because man! It's hard to let yourself feel when you know there's a good chance things won't work out how you want them to. We want to start preparing ourselves for the worst, thinking that if it doesn't work out, then at least we didn't get our hopes up... and if it does work out, then what a great surprise! But, aren't we just lying to ourselves when we do that?
Pretty soon after we shared about that "no" on our adoption page, a friend in the States sent me a message about God's timing and how He knows exactly what we and our future child need. Then, she commented about how encouraging it has been to watch us on our adoption journey. And, that made me wonder how many people feel the same encouragement from watching us as we get our hopes up, only to be let down time and time again. How many people are seeing a faith and strength in us that can only come from having a relationship with God? And, that's not to toot our own horns, but simply to say that yeah, getting our hopes crushed is worth it if it means that others can see God in our lives.
That desire to pack up the house... some people might say that it was God wanting me to step out in faith. That maybe if I had started packing, then that couple would have chosen us. But, I don't believe that for a second. It only takes one tiny step to go from desperately hoping for something to falling over the cliff into this idea that "claiming" it will cause God to open up the door and make it happen.
People are being told left and right, "If you only step out in faith... give your entire paycheck to the church and it will come back tenfold... quit your job so that God can open the door to a better one... stop taking that medication so that God can heal you." But, guys, there's faith, and then there's wannabe faith. I'm not saying those things aren't possible and that God won't ask something like that of someone so that he can show up and show off... but this "name it and claim it" theology is way out of control. I can't claim something that God didn't promise, and I can't know God's promises unless I talk to Him about it.
The friend that I mentioned earlier sent me this: "God loves our babies so much more than we ever will. We feel like now is the time, and we are ready! BUT, He loves them so much more that no matter how much we think we could love a child [now] He will wait for the placement/pregnancy at the perfect time so that we can give them [the children] not what we think they need, but what He KNOWS they need!"
A to the MEN.
God knows best. It has nothing to do with the measure of our faith, or how ready we feel, or how adamantly we "claim" that this desire will come to fruition (in Jesus' name, of course). So, unless God specifically tells me to pack up the house, I'll just keep on hoping that the next baby will be for us. Aaaand maybe toss an extra load of laundry in the wash... just in case we have to leave "tomorrow" ;-)