A lot of people would say that the moment you find yourself in the midst of a difficult situation, pray. Even I would say that. Praying is biblical, after all.
But sometimes it’s easier said than done.
Most of you have probably heard that we recently lost our little one in miscarriage (our sixth loss to go through). Each miscarriage has been early on, so there was nothing we could to prevent it. But this time there was a possibility that we were in the middle of a medical emergency (and in a third world country of all places).
I was alone with E when everything happened. Nicholas had left the day before for a weekend visit to some churches about three and a half hours away. I woke up that morning with some concerns and called a friend to bring me to the clinic. When the ultrasound tech did the scan, he couldn’t find anything. Not even a sac. I remember thinking that maybe it was a mistake… that I was only seven weeks along and maybe it was too early to see anything. But then the words “possibly ectopic” were spoken, and I started getting scared. After a couple of hours that included a positive pregnancy test and an internal exam, the doctors were very concerned. Unfortunately, this clinic doesn’t have an OB/GYN on staff, and so they told me I needed to get to a hospital that did one ASAP just in case this was an ectopic pregnancy and things started to go downhill.
Now, I’m not usually the decision-making type… but I do like to have the option to make decisions if need be. And there I was with everything completely taken out of my hands. The only decision I was allowed to make was which hospital in Zambia I wanted to go to. Talk about feeling helpless. I decided the closest option was a two and a half hour ambulance ride away. So, I left E with my friend and off I went, trying to be strong but intermittently sobbing my eyes out and wishing my husband was by my side instead of hours away trying to make his way to me.
Not only were we [unknowingly] in the middle of a miscarriage (not an ectopic pregnancy), but I had also found out that same morning that my grandfather had passed away the night before, and I wasn't going to be able to attend the funeral.
What a day.
As all of this was crashing down on me I kept thinking, “Just pray… just pray… just pray”. But I couldn’t. Even at the beginning of this whole ordeal I thought, “How do I even pray in this situation?” I was numb… exhausted… scared.
We’ve been through tough times before, and people always try to encourage us to “stay strong in the faith”. Same with this situation. But, I’ll be honest with you here… I didn’t need that encouragement. My faith never wavered. Not once. And, I don’t say that to boast in myself, but to boast in my God. He’s proven himself so many times in the past that I completely trust him to keep me afloat even when I feel like I’m drowning. And boy, was I drowning. I couldn’t even ask Him to keep my head above the water… but I knew he would.
Romans 8:26-27 says this: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”
Praying is biblical. But it’s okay if there are times when you just can’t pray.
There are so many different facets to having a relationship with God, but that verse in Romans is one of my favorite things about this relationship. Prayer is important, but God doesn’t just ignore you when you can’t find the words to say to him. In fact, he gives us the Spirit to help us connect with Him. That's how much he loves us.
It took a load off my shoulders, knowing that as a child of God I could just lean on him and let the Spirit intercede for me. The few words I spoke to Him was to say that I just needed Him to be there for me.
I think sometimes we feel the need to be so “religious” in our interactions with God that we forget that he is totally fine with us just leaning on him. Or even collapsing on him in my case. More than any words that we could say, I think He just wants our trust to be wholly in Him.
If you’re a parent, you’ll know the range of emotions you feel when your child is hurting or upset and comes running into your arms for comfort. Concern, as you help them work through their problem… Love, as you hold them close to you… Thankfulness, that they trust you enough to come to you in their moment of pain. I’ll bet God feels the same way when we come running to him. And after it’s all said and done, even if there were no words at the time we can always come back and say, “Thanks for being there for me.”
I’ve been thinking of these lyrics and how appropriate and true they have been for us recently:
You stay the same through the ages Your love never changes There may be pain in the night But joy comes in the morning
The wind is strong and the water's deep I'm not alone here in these open seas Cause your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide I never thought I'd reach the other side But your love never fails
And when the oceans rage I don't have to be afraid Because I know that you love me Your love never fails
(“Your Love Never Fails”)